January 30, 2004Plant Life
A week ago I noticed a large poinsettia plant set out for the trash in front of my apartment building, still in its festive red foil wrapper. I enjoy having a lot of plants in the apartment, so I took it inside, watered it, and set it on the window sill until I got a chance to but a pot for it.
I couldn't get to the store this week to buy a pot, so I just kept on watering it.
Last night I noticed that the plant is actually plastic.
Losing the War
I've got Vitamin C pills. I've got Ny-Quil, Claritin, lozenges, Day-Quil, oranges, sudafed, sucrets, puffs extra creepy lotion tissues, Breathe Right strips, and cherry flavored Cold-Eze.
And I still feel like shit and want to die.
January 29, 2004Step
I generally hate people who take the elevator two floors up when we have perfectly good internal stairs.
But over the weekend I twisted my ankle in such a way that makes it hard to walk down stairs.
There HAS been cursing at the IA getting down to the subway platform.
So last night I got on an elevator and pressed a floor two stories down. The woman in the elevator sighed because she had an extra two seconds taken out of her race home to her pathetic life.
I said "I hurt my ankle and I can't walk down stairs."
She said "I wasn't thinking anything. Maybe you have paranoia problems."
Unfortunately, I had to get off the elevator before we discussed her eating problems.
January 28, 2004Murder Inc.
A few weeks ago when I was out of the office, my secretary went into my desk looking for something because some partner asked her to. She came across a box cutter that I have for opening boxes and cutting out drawings.
She called building security and had them take it away. She then notified the office manager that someone left a box cutter in my office. I will never know what made her think that some criminal was stashing box cutters in my desk.
When I got back, I had to explain that it was mine and I use it for opening packages, not slashing people.
So this morning I called her into my office and gave her the following speech: "My cousin has a son who likes to play with toy guns. Toy guns are now very hard to find in stores so I purchased a few toy guns from ebay and had them shipped to my office. If you happen to be going through my office and you find a gun, it is a TOY. Please do not call Tom Ridge."
January 27, 2004Doggie
Does everyone sing the JumBone™ jingle in the shower, or is that just me?
January 26, 2004More Fun at the Fairway
Last night at the grocery store, the clerk threatened to sue me because she pricked her finger while bagging my pineapple.
I told her I didn't really have any money.
Clerk: All you New Yorkers say you don't have any money. Why you livin 'round here and buying these fancy oranges if you have no money?
IA: They're Honeybells. And I'm an attorney, I'm trained to say that.
Clerk: See, that's your problem. You paid all that money for lawyer school and all they teach you is circular reasoning. I learned that in 'intro to psychology.'
Circular reasoning? Is that all I learned at "lawyer school?" Then why was she bagging my groceries?
January 25, 2004The Deal
Ok kids, here's the deal.
The IA got a new job at a new firm. As it turns out, they're not quite as "blog friendly" as the last firm. But I'm not really willing to give it up.
So now I have to be totally anonymous. I can't really talk about the Firm™ anymore. I can't post my picture anymore. Now, I know this comes as a great relief to many of you, but it's sad for me.
Many of you know who I am. I'm asking you, as a favor, to shut the fuck up. Stop calling people at my new firm to tell them about my blog. Because I find out who you are, and I hold grudges.
On another note, Missus IA recently decided to pursue other ventures. And by ventures I mean men. So it's been a tough month.
Bear with me, I'll be back to spouting nonsense tomorrow. But it won't be about my glorious new firm.
January 23, 2004Sure Thing, Coach
I went to a lecture given by my new firm yesterday. It was a standard training lecture (CLE) concerning trial strategies.
When I arrived, I realized that I recognized the partner giving the presentation. As soon as he gave his name, I realized that he was my hockey coach in high school.
He was talking about how to get information before trial, but I kept having flashbacks of him saying "cover the point!" and "shoot the puck, IA!!"
I introduced myself after the lecture and he said he remembered me. It turns out that he was coaching us while in law school. We just thought he was unemployed and had nothing else to do at 4pm.
Now, I'm going to be working for the guy. I don't know how I'm going to do legal research for him when I keep picturing him yelling at me "HIT THAT GUY!!"
January 22, 2004All Day, Arroz Con Pollo
My resolution was to learn some Spanish in 2004.
I am conversant in French, but that has proven completely useless. I don't want to visit France, Quebec, or Burundi. I don't have any French TV stations and I have never seen a beautiful woman speaking French on the subway.
Half of NYC speaks Spanish. Also, in the coming years, I want to visit Puerto Rico, Mexico City, and the South Bronx. And I could use some latino heat in my life.
Generally, I think that people who buy those language cds are suckers.
So I bought some language cds. But I'm not going to be like everyone else and only listen to the first one. I'm really going to listen to them.
I think that people who think they're not like everyone else are suckers.
January 21, 2004New York, New York
I was waiting to cross the street around noon today when a bike messenger rode right by me any quickly reached out his hand to deftly pick the pocket of the nearby hot dog vendor (standing with his back to the street).
Apparently, similar incidents have happened before because the vendor saw him out of the corner of his eye, grabbed the bike messenger's hand (which was now full of cash) and proceeded to punch the bike messenger in the head.
After the bike messenger fell down, the hot dog vendor pummeled him for another minute. Then the bike messenger quickly got up, cursed at the vendor and rode off.
The pummeling didn't bother me. The attempted theft was pretty bad, but what really disturbed me was the casual attitude of both the messenger and the vendor- like this was a routine they were both used to. Apparently, this type of crime is fairly routine. Neither one of the gentlemen were particularly excited. There was no yelling or screaming. There was just one brief attempted theft followed by one swift beating.
From now on, I'm buying my hot dogs from THAT guy (SE corner of 44&Bway). Carefully.
Pumpkin is for Losers
I was in the Fairway (a NYC supermarket) last night looking at baked goods when a man in his seventies shouted to his wife:
"I'm getting a pumpkin pie."
The woman, standing two aisles over, shouted back "Don't get a pumpkin pie. You're the the only one who likes pumpkin. NOBODY likes pumpkin."
I look at him as he placed the pie back on the shelf and I said "I like pumpkin."
He laughed and said "Kid, if she doesn't like it, NOBODY likes it."
January 20, 2004Space Nerd
I don't think it's too nerdy to visit the Nasa Mars page every day.
I DO think it's very nerdy when I get excited about headlines like "Rover approaches rock."
The Medicine Woman
My mother recently tore her ACL. She's on all kinds of medications: painkillers, anti-inflammatories, medical marijuana, etc.
I was watching television with my mother and younger brother over the weekend when an ad for Levitra came on. She said "What the hell does that do? I'm probably going to need that soon, too."
My younger brother assured her that she would not need that particular medication. She felt better.
January 16, 2004Iced Out
You know how people say "It's not the heat, it's the humidity that bothers me."
Well, it's not the cold that bothers me, it's every fucking idiot on earth being unable to talk about ANYTHING other than the fucking temperature. I had five conversations with co-workers this morning before I started work, and they were ALL about the cold.
I know it's cold outside. Shut the fuck up.
It Makes Me a Mighty Good Fellow
If there is a problem in the world that cannot be solved by a bacon cheeseburger deluxe, ten beers, and some good friends, I haven't found it.
January 15, 2004This is What My Parents Wanted Me To Accomplish
I bought Soul Calibur 2 for my Xbox. It's a fighting game. I was hoping to bring it to my brother's house this weekend and play it with my two brothers. However, the character that my younger brother likes is locked- meaning that you have to finish part of the game in order to use that character.
So my plan is to leave work early today and really focus on playing the game tonight.
My life has no meaning.
January 14, 2004Harass THIS, Honey
Some quotes from the sexual harassment training video I was forced to watch yesterday:
"They fired Stan just because he asked her out a few times? That's not sexual
harassment, that's just men and women. That's the facts of life."
"My vacation was great, but it would have been better if you were there."
"I love you housewives-turned-career women."
"You seem tense. Do you want me to rub those beautiful shoulders?"
Now, back to the harassing...
January 13, 2004The Drunk Date
Do whatever you want on your first date. On the second date, get drunk.
You can spend the first date getting to know how many brothers or sisters they have. Ask them what they really want to do with their career. Ask them what type of flowers they like.
On the second date, get drunk.
I believe that the drunk date should be the mandatory second date for all new relationships. After all, you need to know how someone behaves when they're drunk. Nobody likes a surly drunk, a vomiting drunk, or a drunk that always wants to talk about the serious problems with your relationship. And let's face it, it really is important. It's better to find this type of thing out sooner.
Because sometimes, you just want to go out and get drunk.
And, you know, sometimes you're a borderline alcoholic who doesn't want to hear it.
January 12, 2004Timing
The ten minutes between:
- Your date telling you that she's mad at you and she wants to go home and
- the waitress actually bringing the check
is the LONGEST ten minutes of your life. It's right up there with "waiting for the pregnancy test."
January 09, 2004A Real American Hero
Look, there really was a problem with my company's e-mail. Seriously. Some of my clients even complained that they weren't getting my e-mails. And as a result, I thought you weren't getting my e-mails.
So, you know, I called.
Maybe I called a few times but I don't really remember. I remember you telling me a few weeks ago that you were getting a new office so I thought maybe your number changed.
That's why I called your cell phone. Yeah, a few times. When you didn't pick up the first time I thought that maybe someone had stolen your cell phone and they would pick up and I could somehow use background noise to locate where they were standing like in the Fugitive and then I could tackle them and retrieve your phone for you.
That wasn't me walking by your office last night. I wasn't even on the East side.
Look, "stalker" is a powerful term. When I was growing up, there were no stalkers. There were only nutcases. That term was so innocuous that there was even a G.I. Joe guy named Stalker. But then again, maybe he was a stalker and I just didn't realize because I was only a kid.
January 08, 2004The Habs
I had a white cab driver this morning. Most people don't like the white cab drivers because they're slow and they usually try to talk to you. But I enjoy a decent conversation once in a while.
Of course, we discussed the cold weather.
He detected my accent and pegged me for Brooklyn. When I told him I was from Staten Island, he said "same thing."
Then we discussed retirement. He wants to move to Pennsylvania. I said I would love to move to Minnesota or even Canada.
He replied, "Canada?! That's like the coldest part of the country!!"
January 07, 2004Size Matters
Yesterday was a great day in IA land. I finally replaced my 13" television with a whopping 27" flatscreen.
So what do you do first when you buy a huge new TV?
That's right, I hooked up my 2600 and played Donkey Kong. Then, I played in the box.
Shouts to the Irish Bull and T-Nice who helped me move it in.
January 06, 2004Milk Post
Manhattan is great for many things.
If you run out of beer during a football game, you can usually run to the nearest bodega and get back before the commercial break is through.
You don't need a designated driver because there are hundreds of taxis willing to take you home at any hour of the night.
You can order food from every region of the world and have it delivered right to your apartment.
But the milk in Manhattan sucks. If you buy a gallon in the grocery store, it usually goes bad in three days. Sometimes if you buy it in a deli, it goes bad in one day. Even the day you buy it, it doesn't taste that good.
I used wonder why this was the case before I started jogging. Now, I see the milk delivery men at 6 in the morning unloading their trucks casually and letting the milk sit on the street for a while before getting it in the store.
This has been an issue for me because I love milk. Recently I have developed an expensive habit. I have become a junkie of that gourmet milk they sell in Citarella. Yeah, they bottle it on some farm and that shit ain't even homogenized. It's a whopping $4.99 for a quart. But it is liquid heaven.
This, my friends, is why people never leave law firms. The lifestyle sucks, but you get used to that fucking expensive milk that tastes like a milkshake. Damn these golden handcuffs!
January 05, 2004My Paycheck Brings All The Girls To The Yard
What I learned over the weekend:
"Hey, I make more money than your daddy" is not a good pickup line.
You, The Jury
A woman is dating this guy who dog-sits for his ex-girlfriend's dog.
Should this bother her?
The woman wanted to go on vacation for New Year's Eve. He told her that he couldn't travel on New Year's Eve because he would be dogsitting.
Is this unreasonable?
January 02, 2004The Runners
There are many different kinds of runners in Central Park. There are the weekend-only runners. There are the warm weather-only runners who appear on that first nice day. There are the sprinters and the old men who look like they're dying a little more with each step.
But my favorite kind of runner is the January 2nd runner. They make a resolution every new year to get out there and lose weight. They are wearing either brand new running shoes or totally improper shoes (like basketball shoes). They are always overdressed and always wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt with their school on it. They look like they're constantly gasping for air. After a week, they're all gone.
So here are some tips for you January runners:
1. Take it easy.
2. Buy running shoes.
3. Don't give up. Patience and persistence are the keys to success in life.
4. To paraphrase Scrooge McDuck: "Run Smarter, Not Harder."
5. Get the fuck out of my way.
The life of the IA, comprising:
residing in Manhattan;
deep frying things;
and generally living for your amusement.
Cooking for Losers